(Okay, it's now Wednesday. I went on a date with my husband instead of blogging to you, dear Reader. I'm sorry, I will try to get my priorities straightened out real quick.)
As I'm sure you know, Reader, there was plenty of eye candy Monday night - for both male and female Bachelor fans. To start the night out we had the pleasure of viewing "lady porn", as my friend so eloquently put it, as we watched Sean work out (close up on his large, orange muscles), look off into the distance, heartily laugh to himself, and, coincidentally, stumble upon a bride and groom on the beach as he talked about looking for his wife. The self-proclaimed family man also cuddled his niece and nephew and opened his arms wide for a hug as they ran through a sprinkler (for ABC, a sprinkler nearby is a good enough excuse for Sean to not wear a shirt). In true Bachelor form, Sean narrated his actions by relating them to a cliche about love. "I want to be that rock." he said during his shirtless rock climb.
This Rock. [source]
Not THAT Rock. [source]
The next hour and forty-five minutes we were introduced to the 26 most eligible bachelorettes in America (yes, Chris Harrison said it more than once) who instantly fell in love with Sean. The first woman who stood out to me was Ashley P., who started out her interview by humbly stating: "I have no idea why I'm still single." She then proceeded to show everyone watching why she is still single. Not only does she lay around talking to her cat but she is a big fan of the novel everyone has at least heard of, 50 Shades of Grey. She even smuggled a tie in her boobs and offered to show Sean how to use it.
Sexiness 101: How is SHE Still Single? [source]
After her boobstagram, 50 Shades of Crazy Cat Lady got sloppy drunk and asked, "Do we need me to start dancing?", then graciously sexy danced with the air before falling down the stairs. She may have not gotten a rose but at least she now has time to actually finish reading 50 Shades of Grey.
lady female that made an impact was Tierra.
Or as I will call her, Courtney II.
The terrible winner from Bachelor Ben's season. [source]
At first, like Courtney, I thought this girl was all terribleness and no threat. Courtney II immediately greeted Sean with an "I love you." and showed him the open heart tattoo she has on her left-hand ring finger. Sean spoke to her as if she was a goofy, love struck 12-year-old. Unfortunately I don't know Sean as well as I thought because his "I know you're a nutty lady" tone was actually "I am mistaking your craziness for good energy" voice and he gave her a rose right after meeting her. I'm afraid she's in this one for the long haul.
Speaking of Courtney, there were three models in the running this season. The Ford Model, Kristy, made an impact with her blindingly white eyeballs and giant mouth. Sean describes her as "intense" and she describes herself as the one other girls are jealous of. Sounds like a real catch.
Another woman who probably should have left but for some reason was given a rose was the substitute teacher (why wouldn't she just say she's a "teacher"?!) who wore a wedding dress. Nothing says "I'm serious about love" like wearing a wedding dress on the first date. But what really made her stand out from the rest was the magnitude of alcohol she consumed. While the women all seem to have some kind of drinking problem, she was the only one who admitted, "Honestly, I wish I was more sober right now." The bride-to-be promised Sean she was "not contagious" as he attempted to dodge her kisses. She even told the Christian virgin Bachelor that he and she "might even have the same morals." Fortunately for her, ABC must require a certain amount of crazies stick around to make the show more interesting and she was awarded the last rose.
This season on The Bachelor:
Plenty of bikinis! Shirtless Sean! Helicopter rides! Drama! Kissing! More kissing! Tears! Adventure! Traveling! Courtney II throwing herself down a flight of stairs! And a close up of Sean's clenched fist as he meets one of his girlfriend's boyfriend.
Also, I can't be the only one who thought that Sean's make-out session was being photobombed by a beach rat for at least just one split second when it popped up on the screen. You saw the long hairless, rat tail too, didn't you, Reader?!
The camera catches some sunset lovin' as a rat munches on some garbage in the foreground. So romantic.
[screenshot from this source]
It should be a pretty good season, Reader. And whether you like it or not, I'm probably going to tell you about it because it's decidedly more interesting than my life.